Torn between two loves

Mrs Rosemary Pereira was doing well as a secretary in an American MNC nine years ago but at age 38, she left to become a full-time mother and caregiver to her 70-year old mother who is suffering from Idiopathic Thrombocytopenic Purpora (ITP). ITP is an abnormal bleeding condition where one’s immune system starts producing antibodies that attacks one’s platelets. It causes excessive bleeding and anemia.

Today, the 47-year old mother of a nine-year old boy is torn between a desire to “find space for herself”, and her wholehearted devotion to caring for her mother.

“I love my mother very much. I’ve seen how she suffered under my father. My father was physically abusive, and had a violent temper. She stayed on in the marriage because of us,” said Rosemary, who has three siblings.

Giving up one’s dreams

However, this single mindedness and clockwork efficiency in which she manages the household, and her mother’s illness - cannot tame the bitterness and frustrations she sometimes feels of not developing her fullest potential.

“I feel I’m a failure in life. I can give a lot to society. But I’m sitting at home looking after my mum and son. I want to go out and work part-time. I feel I need to get out. I need space. Sometimes, I feel stifled and caged by everything around me.”

Vivacious and outgoing in nature, Rosemary speaks articulately, with a sparkle in her eyes, and gesticulates to make a point. She talks about her dreams - of going to India, getting part-time work, and meeting up with old friends – rather than spending all her time at home.

Money woes

Money is a constant worry for Rosemary. But she never gave up.

With no income of her own, she applied for IDAPE (Interim Disability Assistance Programme for the Elderly) for her mother, and gets $150 every month. She wrote to the Lee Foundation for help, and now gets $100 monthly to pay for her mother’s medication.

Her siblings are cash-strapped too.

Her unemployed eldest brother, 50 is a former drug addict who can barely manage his own life. Her younger brother has to support his young family, and his wife with health problems. The only regular help comes from her eldest sister, a nursing assistant, who pays for the maid’s monthly wages. Rosemary cannot manage both her physically dependent mother, and her hyperactive child without help because of an old slip disc injury which gives her constant back pain.

Also cared for cancer-stricken father

Caring for her cancer-stricken father also fell on Rosemary’s shoulders 12 years ago. During the last four years of his life, she cared for him in spite of bitter memories of the way he had physically abused his mother.

Caregiving stress of ‘sandwiched’ generation

Rosemary’s life story is typical of many caregivers in Singapore.

The caregivers are mostly female, aged 30 and above, with secondary education, married, unemployed and looking after a parent. They belong to what is known as the “sandwiched generation”, parents who are caught between caring for their ageing parents and dependent children.

Rosemary’s mother is also typical of many older Singaporean women, aged 65 and above. With limited personal and CPF savings, they depend entirely on their spouses or married children for support.

Rosemary longs for emotional support from her husband and family members because caring for a loved one is a lonely and demanding task.

“I feel lonely. I’ve no one to talk to. Sometimes, my feelings of frustration are so strong that they can explode any time. But I have to keep myself occupied. I can’t fall into depression. My mother and my son are dependent on me.”

However, she hides her true feelings from her mother who sees her as the family’s pillar of strength.

Uncertainty about own future

Still young and energetic, Rosemary feels she is not ready to retire and long to get back to working life and earn extra income. Asked if she has any plans for her future? She said, “I can’t think about the future. I’m only concerned for my only child. I take one day at a time.”